Wacky Horoscopes

Your friends will admire you today for your ability to converse on any topic. Within seconds you'll be able to talk to them about retractable ball-point pens andarezitively engaginzing.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Don't talk to strangers. todays not the day to make new friends.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

As a sapling grows strongest when its branches reach towards the sun, so too shall your own aspirations find fortitude when you nourish them with the light of perseverance.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will have the opportunity to make a wish today. Try not to wish for more wishes, because that would just be greedy.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will conquer your fear of heights by finally taking that ladder to the attic.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Did you forget to put in your contact lenses this morning? Don't worry, mistakes happen! Just remember to be kind to yourself and others, and everything will become clearer.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

There is a chance you will run into an ex today. Try to be civil, but also make sure to assert your independence and strengths since leaving them.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

If you're feeling lost, just follow the trail of puppy pics to find your way back to happiness.

Today, someone will angrily swipe their hand across their steering wheel in frustration as they pass by the perfectly-sized parking spot you just snagged, and they'll wonder why their horoscope didn't warn them of this misfortune.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A sunny day will turn into a stormy one as you suddenly develop the ability to control the weather with your mind. You will use this power for evil and cause a minor thunderstorm to ruin someone's outdoor picnic.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will receive an unexpected windfall in the form of a scratch ticket victory. Use these funds to purchase cupcakes, as the universe is also telling you to eat cake.