Wacky Horoscopes

You will experience an intense desire to climb a tree today. Ignore this impulse unless you are an actual monkey. Trees are for climbing, but also for respecting.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Don't let your children use your debit card... especially not if they are away at school.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You will meet an attractive stranger today. Unfortunately they will turn out to be a vampire and you will have to avoid them at all costs to escape with your life. Good luck!

You will have a dream about having breakfast with Nigella Lawson. She will make corned beef hash, which will be disgusting and you will wake up feeling unsatisfied. Take this as a sign to incorporate more fibre into your diet.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you shall encounter a swarm of bees, but fear not! This is a sign that you will soon make a fruitful decision.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Consider past lives: Reflect on the idea that your soul has lived before and that your experiences continue to shape your existence.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will pick up a penny and reflect on how far you've come.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today is not a good day to fight a bear. Avoid any sudden increases in heartbeat, as this might trigger a bear attack. Some breathing exercises will soothe your nerves and avoid an unwanted bear encounter.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A supernatural being will try to communicate with you today. Hopefully this doesn't involve crawling out of your television set.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will have many cacti cross your path today, do not be alarmed.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will discover that you are unable to lie today. This will be very inconvenient for you and those around you. On the plus side, you will quickly earn the trust of everyone you meet.