Monday, January 8, 2024
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Nope nope nope.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Why do some people insist on verbally talking to their audience when they should just tell the story outright?
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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You never finished your thesis.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Take your time.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Today you will be visited by a famous archaeologist – but she has terrible ideas about fancy dress. Lose the mustache.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Your mother is coming to stay for a few days, so you better tidy up your room.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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It's hard to find balance in life. That's why it's important to have an onion nearby.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
