Wacky Horoscopes

You are the chosen one, and the milk has been spilled. Today you will come into your new power.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You are a force to be reckoned with. So go out and reckon with something.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will finally be regarded as both a domestic god and a vegetable revolutionary

21 May – 20 Jun

Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your mailbox will become a portal to a parallel dimension where mail is delivered by unicorns.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your car will transform into a sentient robot and demand a road trip.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Make love with a stiff-necked Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will accidentally turn your alarm clock into a time machine.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will be very popular today. Everyone will want to be your friend.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will play with a cat, and it will play back with you

22 Dec – 19 Jan

When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will receive a Facebook friend request from a crab today.

19 Feb – 20 Mar