Wacky Horoscopes

No one likes to be the banker in Monopoly.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will accidentally shrink yourself and explore the miniature world.

21 May – 20 Jun

You like ketchup more than you like people.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis

23 Jul – 22 Aug

A full moon will appear out your kitchen window, bringing an eerie calmness to your household.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your future is so bright you'll have to wear shades. Unless you're in a cave, in which case you probably shouldn't wear shades.

19 Feb – 20 Mar