Wacky Horoscopes

There is a chance you will save a choking baby today.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will meet a messenger from a parallel universe. They will try to sell you a timeshare. Do not buy it!

20 Apr – 20 May

You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton

21 Jun – 22 Jul

The concept of time is an illusion, so don't bother showing up for work.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Wrestle with a ninja Aquarius

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will be called a virgin, but you will know it's a compliment.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will fart on stage at a performance and give up music forever

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You'll become rich and famous overnight but only if you get rid of that stash of nudes in your basement.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will find a lost library card and will use it to borrow a stack of stolen books to read on your vacation

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Let’s just get through today.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today, you'll stumble upon an assortment of oddly shaped vegetables at the grocery store, inspiring creative cooking experiments.

19 Feb – 20 Mar