Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will accidentally turn your vacuum cleaner into a time machine. Clean up the past and future simultaneously!

21 May – 20 Jun

Nothing can stop you from climbing that ladder, except a angry bear.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

There is no I in team, but there is in 'win'. Make sure you get the pronunciation right when telling your team this.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

There is no such thing as a spoon.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

A bird will fly into your house today. It will have a message for you.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will discover a secret superpower. Learn to levitate!

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Pay attention to the unusual pattern on your morning toast, as it holds a hidden message that could guide you to the perfect pair of socks.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Your lucky numbers today are 6-6-6.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl

19 Feb – 20 Mar