Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.

20 Apr – 20 May

Your alarm clock will transform into a magical talking owl. Prepare to solve mysteries.

21 May – 20 Jun

Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

It's important to love yourself. So if you want to go to the gym, go. Or get a burger. It's your choice!

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will learn how to cook and will have homemade meals every day

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You have spinach in your teeth.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You have to poop.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will accidentally turn your sofa into a trampoline. Bounce away your worries!

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Everyone is a moon, except you. You are the sun. And the stars. And the sky.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will accidentally invent a new dance move that becomes an internet sensation. Embrace your newfound fame.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

The postal service will deliver an incredible package containing your favourite type of candy.

19 Feb – 20 Mar