Wacky Horoscopes

You will never have to look for a car again.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.

20 Apr – 20 May

Everyone has a secret admirer. Only some have secret enemies.

21 May – 20 Jun

Beware of mischievous fairies stealing your left socks and replacing them with right ones.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your toaster will develop a mind of its own and insist on making only smiley face toast for the entire day.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you'll be unexpectedly decorated with pointy ears, allowing you to attend Rave Chic parties without fear of bloodshed

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will decide to give up caffeine

22 Dec – 19 Jan

The moon will ask you to be its partner.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Make sure to stay hydrated today, especially if you're an Aquarius.

19 Feb – 20 Mar