Wacky Horoscopes

Your car will not start today. It's trying to tell you something.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

A pipe will burst in your home and you will be covered in icy slush.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will find yourself on top of a mountain, and you won't know which way to go

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your toaster is officially a masterpiece. It's probably a Leo.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will spend quality time with your new stuffed animal.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

There is no such thing as a stupid question. Except for the one you are about to ask.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Don't forget your umbrella today, or you'll get wet.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Beware of mischievous garden gnomes plotting to steal your shoes.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

It's said that we are our own past and future. If that's the case, you should be an exceptionally good liar.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.

19 Feb – 20 Mar